I feel like I have been following you for my entire life!!

I feel that I have devoted 22 years to doing everything you asked me to, and what do I get for it... a kick in the rear from six different churches. I don't know anyone that has done his best to follow you like my dad has. Who has pressed ahead, who has devoted so much to you, it seems like my dad gives everything he is to you... and what does he get for it. REJECTION!!! My dad tries to help those that are hurting in the church and community, and when he does it in a church the “elders” of that church feel he is doing something wrong, and kick “him” (“us” me, the family) out. Is that all there is to following you? Pain!!! Did I really devote my life to you all those years or was I doing it to attract Mrs. A. I was devastated when her twin brother (my best friend) told me she was dating someone, and then when she got engaged. I though God was telling me not to date so I could be with her. She was an amazing lady that loved God with all that she was and wanted to change the world. She always talked about how she wasn't going to marry but live in a mud hut in africa doing what God wanted her to do. I wanted to do that as well. But getting back to the point.... was I really doing all this to impress her? I have always wanted to be respected and loved by a lady... and not just any lady but one that I respect. One that is smart, devoted to Him, and cares about others. So I always have been trying to find that gal. Have you ever put a music player on repeat for a single song or a group of songs and not known it. I feel like thats what I have don't with my life. Summer.... Summer - fall madly in love with God... Fall – Find amazing woman... fall madly in love with her..... Winter – divert her from following God with all that she is, confuse her, misdirect her from Him.... Spring.... see how far she is from God and how she questions him... question if she really loves Him.... Late spring... Leave her because she isn't where she should be with Him.... Summer fall madly in love with God.... So thats how I see things... in reality here is what I think happens.

Summer – Pursue God because I am hurting... become very spiritual... Fall because I am spiritual... amazing woman gives me light of day. Early fall – I start pursuing amazing woman looking for her to answer my many question about myself. She gives me some answers but I need more, thus I seek them in her. FAIL... I make woman feel trapped and less than what they are because I am not grown up enough to see that I am supposed to get my worth some where else. But I don't trust God because of how much my dad has and how much I have been hurt because of it. I honestly don't know a single man that loves God and follows Him like my dad does. Oh every girlfriend thinks my family is weird... yes I know this is true.... and its because they are pursuing Him like none other that I know of!!!! You will not find a family more loving, more caring, more devoted, more real, more.... etc... why cant others see this. The normal American family blows!!! can anyone really deny this!! How many fathers can say that they are doing what they love and its making a difference in the world. How many mothers can say I feel that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to. How many can look at there siblings and be extremely proud of who they are and what they have become and can honestly say that you greatly respect them. I personally am jealous of my siblings very jealous!!! I love them so much. My little sis is amazing... she has struggled with depression and come out the victor! My littlest brother is over coming and growing in life. His knowledge of the bible is mind blowing. My little brother blows everyone he meets out of the water and accomplishes everything he sets his hand to. To top it all off he is dating one of the prettiest girls I have ever known. Inside and out. Shoot and he treats her RIGHT. I wouldn't be surprised if they are married with in the next year! Well thats all for tonight be back tomorrow night probably.... going to get drunk again most likely.

His heart shakes, breaks crumbling into piece after brittle piece. His shaking hands clutch a brown bear with a white nose, as if he is trying clutch the crumbling pieces that where once his heart, trying to salvage a semblance of order and functionality, trying.... “Someone help!!” but no such words will pass his lips, for in the eyes of the bear he sees the words that where left unspoken “You are not worthy... You are not worth the struggle... you are contemptible... you are unlovable!!” there was no need to say these words the bear said it all. So the young man turned and walked away clutching the bear to his chest trying to hold some part of his crumbling heart intact.

The further he walked the further the darkness surrounded him till he saw nothing, which equaled what he clutched in his hands. With growing despair he fell to his knees stumbling, crawling, struggling searching for what had slipped through his fingers. With each scoring pain, he collected pieces after piece and his hands slowly ever so slowly filled, and tears slowly slid down his face. “I am.... I am nothing... nothing but a broken... a broken... a broken.” Stumbling, bumbling, he found him self bumping into... into a dream??? a vision???  a....a... an... answer!! She understood, she knew, for she to held a broken, crumbled, heart. He saw her heart and saw what it could become. The pieces throbbed in his own hand, he saw her pieces do the same... “here.... Here.... Here is my heart...please fix it... please tell me its worth” He thrust his whole heart at her, she reached out and took the pieces and started fitting them together. With shaking hands she dropped piece after piece of her heart into his lap. Her heart started to form in his hands, the more pieces that fell in to his lap the more beautiful the heart became to him, the more interesting, the more precious.... but with each falling piece came with it a slight blurring of the lines a dimming of the world around him, till the darkness surrounded him. Though he thought it impossible with each dropped piece the darker it became, determined he kept working by feel alone. He kept placing piece after piece constructing the heart in his hands, some times he would find a piece that he thought he had already completed no longer there, but undaunted he kept at it fitting piece after piece until it was... complete. He held up the heart... “What... what this... this is my heart” Out of the darkness he heard a voice drift to his ear, but that quite voice screamed through his body right to the heart in his hands. “Yep, it’s not what I was looking for, not what I thought it was, it’s rather worthless really, a waste of my time, I don’t want it, so I gave it back” a giggle reached his ears, as the sounds of light hearted skipping drifted away from him. His heart shakes, breaks crumbling into piece after brittle piece. His shaking hands clutch a diamond studded ring, as if he is trying to clutch the crumbling pieces that where once his heart, trying to salvage a semblance of order and functionality, trying.... “Someone help!! I can’t do this any more, am I really nothing...” Slowly he crumbles to the ground unable, unwilling, unbelieving, unmoving. His hand flops out in front of him, words barely escape his lips, “help me.” A hand touches his, a voice touches his ear. “What do you have there, young man” the darkness seems to flee from the voice. “Nothing” he replies, “nothing.” “Let me see” struggling against it, the pieces of his hearts are picked up piece by piece. “What are you doing” he shouts “those are nothing, those are contemptible, those are worthless” “I don’t think so, see...” the darkness flees. There in this mans hands is the most beautiful thing. “This is your heart young man, you just had to let me have it.”